Yesterday when I got home from work I had two letters waiting for me. The first was from WeightWatchers, inviting me to go back. The second was from Slimming World, inviting me to go back. And that pretty much sums up my life.
Tomorrow I turn 38. That means I've pretty much been on a diet for 24 years. And of course I'm fatter now than I've ever been (apart from when I've been pregnant, of course). Things are really bad at the moment. I can barely fit in any of my clothes and I can't afford to buy new, fat clothes. And because I look so awful I'm shunning social events and avoiding my friends. I have a big, glitzy work do looming and I'm terrified. I'm spending a lot of time (possibly too much time) planning how to get out of it.
I think, perhaps, I've got a mild eating disorder. I was virtually anorexic as a teenager and I can't quite shake the feeling that as an adult I'm a 'failed anorexic'. Which is, of course, ridiculous. A successful anorexic, presumably, is one who's starving themselves to an early grave and I certainly don't want that. I punish myself with food. I reward myself with food. I eat because I'm tired, fed up, bored, depressed. Sometimes, I even eat because I'm hungry.
I've lost weight before. Tons of it. I'm an expert dieter. I've written for loads of health and fitness magazines. There's nothing you can tell me about weightloss and fitness that I don't already know. And yet. Yet. This time, I can't do it. I can't get myself out of this chasm of self-destruction.
I have a million excuses. I don't like Slimming World, but I was a big fan of WeightWatchers - until they changed it. Now I don't get along with it at all. I know I should just eat less and move more, but I'm too tired. I want to join the gym but can I really justify the massive £70 a month membership fee? Get the picture? I'm even annoying myself here.
I feel like I've finally hit diet rock bottom and the thought of just losing weight and gaining it for the rest of my life leaves me cold. But the thought of staying how I am - or even bigger - also leaves me cold. And, though he'd never say it, I can't imagine it thrills my husband either.
I need to take action and I need to take it fast. But where do I start? I have absolutely no idea. So I'm throwing this open to cyberspace. Does anyone out there have any helpful hints/tips/advice about how to lose weight for good? Anyone...?
